Ultrasound and Gender Reveal!

This past Tuesday, I had my first ultrasound and got to finally see Poppy! It was really amazing to get to see this little person that I've been feeling move and kick for a while now. And Poppy totally cooperated so we were able to find out that we are having...A BOY! It's so amazing to know that we'll have a son and be able to refer to Poppy as a he.

We got to see everything – his heart, brain, stomach (which was full meaning that he can swallow which is fantastic!), arms, legs, little feet, etc. And we got some pictures to take home so I'll share a few of those:

Looking at the "camera"

Profile view

After the ultrasound, we had an appointment with one of the OBs and she said everything looked perfect which was a relief to hear. Since I hadn't had any ultrasounds yet we were both a little concerned that there would be something wrong that couldn't have been detected before. But the little guy is just the right size, everything is developed as it should be, and we're right on track for my April 30^th due date.

So, that's about it for now. I do have plans for a few other blog posts that may make it up in the next week or so depending on how much time I find myself with over the holidays. So check back for those soon!

Big Update (Finally!)

Hello again! It has been quite a few months since I last posted and a LOT has happened.

First of all, if you didn't already know, I'm now 20 weeks pregnant. I can't believe I'm this far along. It has definitely been a bit of a roller coaster so far but I'll get into that in a minute.

Let me backtrack a little bit and fill in the gap from my last post. I had the appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctor in July. We really liked him but unfortunately left the appointment without any answers or decisions. During the visit we went through my medications and talked about some that would be a good idea for me to get off of (which I did) and which ones there are really not a lot of information about in regards to pregnancy but are probably okay. We talked through my history and he wasn't concerned with my health issues complicating a pregnancy and delivery. And then, while talking about my port-a-cath, the subject of blood clots came up and I told him that I actually dealt with blood clots last October. That pretty much threw a wrench into what seemed was going to be an easy decision. Because I developed the blood clots while on combination birth control (which is similar to the state your body is in hormonally during pregnancy) and having a port was thought to be a factor, the fact that I still have a port was a concern. But before making a recommendation, he wanted to get the records from my hospital stay to have a better idea of testing that was done and have an idea of the whole picture.

The records were sent to him and it took a few months (and many phone calls) before I was able to get back in touch with him to find out that the hospital records didn't really help much because I was apparently not tested for clotting factors. So, that blood work was ordered and it again took quite a while to hear back about it. By this time I knew I was pregnant and was anxious to get this figured out so I could start my prenatal care! The clotting factors all came back normal except for one that could be explained by the fact that I was pregnant (the doctor didn't know I was pregnant then and if he had, he wouldn't have ordered that particular test). It was a relief that nothing was actually abnormal and we thought we might be in the clear to choose to have an out of hospital birth. But, in the end, the recommendation the doctor made was that I should be on blood thinners (Lovenox shots) during pregnancy and be in a hospital. This was quite a bit of a disappointment and of course I was upset for a while.

But, at this point I was 10 weeks pregnant and just eager to make a decision. I dove into doing research about hospitals and midwifery/OB practices. I had already done some research knowing it was a possibility that I would need to go that route so I had some idea of where I was interested in visiting. Over the next week I visited two midwifery practices and one OB practice and toured two of the hospitals. The first midwifery practice was not a good fit for me (much more on the medical side than I want) but I really liked the second practice and would have been fine going with them. The hospital associated with them, though, wasn't quite what I was looking for. I had thought I would prefer to use midwives but when I visited the OB practice and toured their hospital, I was sold. The hospital is really what I want – it's kind of a cross between a birth center and a hospital. They do waterbirths, they're very down to earth, very supportive of making sure mother and baby are kept together and bond, support breastfeeding, and just were a really good compromise.

I had my first prenatal appointment on October 23^rd and it was great! But let me again back up and now fill in the details of my early pregnancy.

We were on vacation with my parents in August when I was due to get my period so a few days before it was due, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had been in a grumpy mood for a few days and wasn't sure why but didn't think that was a sign that I was pregnant. On the morning of Tuesday, August 21^st I went ahead and tested using a cheap strip test. When I looked at it after a few minutes, I was shocked to see a clear but faint second line. So I immediately pulled out another cheap strip test (a different brand) and a target brand regular test. After a few minute it was undeniably clear that they were positive so I quickly cleaned things up, went out to the kitchen where Eric and my parents were, and motioned for Eric to come into the bathroom to see. He was shocked and unfortunately it took him until that afternoon to start getting excited so it wasn't exactly the response I was hoping for but I was super excited. I went out into the kitchen and showed my parents the target test and they were both so happy for us, it was a nice way to get to share it with them. Throughout that day Eric called his siblings but I asked him to wait until the next day to call his parents and grandparents so I would have a chance to take a digital test for confirmation. Sure enough, the next morning the digital test was clearly positive, too! Here's a picture of that test:

So, with that confirmation, Eric finished calling his family and I called my siblings to tell them (I wanted my older sister to be the first of my three siblings that I told but she lives across the country so it's hard to coordinate phone calls with the time difference and I ended up waiting until Saturday). Everyone was super excited for us and it was a really great time. I started doing all kinds of reading, calculated my due date (April 30, 2013), and found out that the baby at that time was the size of a poppy seed. So, we started calling the baby Poppy and decided that would be his/her nickname for the duration of the pregnancy.

I'll try to speed a little faster through the next few months. I felt good, although really tired, for the next few weeks until I was about 6 weeks along and that's when the morning sickness hit. And it hit pretty hard. I was nauseous and queasy all the time, my nausea meds that I've taken for years didn't help (probably because I've taken them for so long and my body is a little desensitized to it), and I was just pretty miserable. I started throwing up some days and started researching natural ways to combat it. I ended up deciding to start on B6 and unisom which helped SO MUCH. It was like a switch was flipped and I was finally able to be comfortable most of the time and eat a little better. That lasted for a few weeks and it was great, but then the morning sickness and vomiting started creeping back. On the day of my first prenatal appointment (at 13 weeks), we had to pull over along the highway so I could throw up. Not really the best start to that day, but it got a lot better as soon as I got to hear little Poppy's heartbeat! It was a strong 170 beats per minute and was the best thing I had ever heard. A wave of relief came over me as I felt myself relaxing, not quite realizing just how nervous and worried I was that something was wrong and there wouldn't be a heartbeat.

After that appointment and hearing Poppy's heartbeat, we finally made our announcement on Facebook and it felt like such a relief to know that everything was fine.

I was hopeful that as I got into the second trimester, the morning sickness would let up but it continued to be quite an issue until I was 16 weeks and it finally felt like it was getting better. I still have trouble with it from time to time and still occasionally throw up, but it's pretty minor and manageable. I'm still taking the B6 and I will likely continue it for the duration of the pregnancy just to be safe.

At my first prenatal appointment, the doctor and I also made the decision to go ahead and start on the blood thinner, Lovenox. I'm only on 40mg once a day which is a quarter of the dose I was on after my blood clot. Of course I would rather not have to give myself a shot everyday, but it is really a minor inconvenience for the piece of mind to know that we are (hopefully) avoiding complications. Being on blood thinners shouldn't affect my options as far as giving birth goes – waterbirth is still an option, I don't need anything special, so that's a relief. At about 36 weeks, I'll switch from Lovenox to heparin shots twice a day because the heparin is shorter acting and can be reversed if necessary when I go into labor.

At 16 weeks 5 days I felt the first little flutters but I wasn't completely sure it was movement then. Later that week, it became clearer and now I feel kicks and moving around everyday. I LOVE that and it is just such a reassuring thing to know that Poppy is doing well and saying hello. I've even been able to see kicks from the outside. Here's a really short video of a kick I was able to capture on my cell phone - watch the lower right side of my belly for a kick towards the end.

We have an ultrasound a week from today when I'll be 21 weeks and I'm really looking forward to seeing Poppy for the first time (I declined all early ultrasounds and want this one to be the only one unless there is an issue that comes up) and (hopefully) finding out if it's a boy or girl.

I've been feeling pretty well as far as my illnesses go. There have been some ups and downs and issues with dysautonomia symptoms getting worse sometimes, but for the most part I'm able to handle them and have even been able to cut back to only doing IV fluids a few times a week which is amazing! I've been taking it easy a lot which helps. And I've started nesting, acquiring the baby things we'll need (especially cloth diapers which I just LOVE), knitting some things for him/her, and trying to read lots of things about pregnancy, giving birth, and newborn care. It feels like a lot sometimes, but I'm so excited to get myself and the apartment ready for Poppy to join our family in April or May.

So, there you go. You're up to date on what's going on.

For the sake of those of you interested in this blog and my story specifically as it relates to my Lyme disease, I am on certain medications specifically to reduce the rate of transmission and I will be on them throughout pregnancy and as long as I breastfeed (which I do plan to do with the help of an antibiotic combination to hopefully keep Poppy safe from transmission). The two antibiotics I'm currently taking are Ceftin and Zithromax. I was originally trying to take Mepron instead of Zithromax because I have a history of Babesiosis (another tick-borne illness) but it proved to be too rough on my stomach right now so we switched to the Zithromax and that has been much easier to tolerate. I am also on a few other medications to help with symptoms of my illnesses/conditions but I would estimate I'm on about a third of the medications I was on before we decided to start trying. My doctor and I are both amazed at how well I'm doing given how many medications I had to get off of, but we're both thrilled that I'm not having more issues! To give you an idea of how amazing that is, I had previously been on two migraine/headache preventative medications, both of which I had to come off of along with not being able to take any of the regular medications I would take when I actually get a headache. I also had to come off of the medications and supplements I had been taking to help me sleep and now I'm able to manage with only either Phenergan (which knocks me out in addition to helping my nausea) or Unisom. And there were various other medications for this or that which I have been able to stop without really having any major issues. So, other than the morning sickness and fatigue (which I have anyway, it's just more pronounced now), pregnancy seems to really agree with me!

I hope to do more frequent updates now that I have gotten up to date. I'll likely post some belly shots as I start to show more (right now there's just barely a bump that is noticeable to anyone but me and still looks like I just ate a little too much) and check back in weekly with what's been going on, how things are going with both me and Poppy, and I'm sure I'll be sharing some ultrasound pictures next week!

So check back for updates. And welcome to the journey!

Two and a half hours...

In two and a half short hours, I will be sitting in the office of the Maternal Fetal Specialist. To say I'm nervous and anxious would be an understatement. I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and not worry too much about it but I feel like this doctor holds a lot of power right now. He has the power to essentially prevent me from being able to use the birth center I want to use. Now, I realize this is far from the end of the world, but I want so much for things to be easy for once.

So much of my life over the past 15 years has been focused on medical...stuff. Going to doctors, taking pills, hooking up IVs, dealing with side effects of medications, spending time in the hospital because of complications, having new central lines placed or old ones removed, and much more time than I would like spent in bed or on the couch either in pain or so fatigued that just getting up to go to the bathroom is a huge task. After so many years of all of this (half my life at this point), I have managed to get to a point where so much of that is reduced.

Yes, I still go to doctors but as of right now I only have one doctor that I see (she serves as both my primary care physician and my Lyme disease doctor or “LLMD” - Lyme Literate Medical Doctor). I still take pills, more than I would like, once I week I spend 20-30 minutes filling up my weekly pill containers, multiple times a month I have to pick up refills, and I always have to remember to carry around my large container of my daily pills, but this is not so bad and I'm used to it. I still do IV medications but they are greatly reduced and I have somehow managed to get to a point of being able to only infuse them every other day which is AMAZING. I'm not on any medications right now that cause noticible side effects and those nights spent curled up on the bathroom floor because it was too much to go back to bed knowing I would likely be throwing up again soon are a (somewhat) distant memory. In less than two months it will have been a year since my last hospitalization but because of my port-a-cath (central line IV access) there is always a risk of infection or other complications. As of right now my port-a-cath is working well. And my time spent resting in bed or on the couch is greatly reduced, most of the time it's just because I need a break and not because of the crushing fatigue or pain that I used to have regularly.

But the point is that I have come so far and managed to claw my way back to something that resembles a normal life. This is something that for so many years seemed just like a distant dream that may not ever come true. But here I am, proof that it CAN and DOES happen. It can take time and perseverance and a lot of years of treatment, but it can happen.

And now I'm married – something that didn't seem likely to happen because who would want this kind of baggage? And I'm looking parenthood straight in the eye and more excited than I can even explain.

So, back to the point of this post – I'm nervous about the appointment this afternoon. Now that I am getting my life back, I want the choices that so many people take for granted. I wish so much that it could be easy and I could just decide I want to use the birth center and that would be that. But I should know that things aren't easy with chronic illness, especially when it involves a central line and so many years of doctors and medications. There are so many unknowns and we don't really have a good idea of how my body will be able to handle pregnancy. But regardless of any of this and regardless of what the doctor says today, I know I will have a baby one way or another. It may not be the way I imagine it, and I am trying to be okay with that, because I want this to happen however it needs to happen.

I'm sure I'll be writing more after the appointment, which is now only two hours away. Time to get things together and prepare myself as much as I can. I just hate going to new doctors and the unknown of how they will react to all of this. Ah well, life is full of unknowns...

Maternal Fetal Medicine Appointment Scheduled

I finally got a call back this afternoon from the Maternal Fetal Specialist's office and I have an appointment scheduled for two weeks from today on July 27th. I just want to get this over with and know for sure what the next step of this journey is going to be.

That's it for now!

Preconception appointment...sort of

Yesterday evening we had an appointment for a preconception visit with one of the midwives at the birth center that we visited a few weeks ago. I was a bit anxious and nervous about this appointment because I was still concerned that my health conditions would make them nervous and say that they couldn't accept me as a patient. So, I formulated my list of questions, had my list of medications and supplements printed out, and was trying to be as prepared as possible. Unfortunately, the appointment didn't go as well as I would have hoped, but it also wasn't as bad as I had feared.

We got to meet with the midwife and a student midwife. Right off the bat I told them a little about my health situation and handed over my list of medications. The medications themselves don't seem to be a problem, but because handling patients with chronic Lyme disease is fairly new for them, they couldn't guarantee that I would be able to work with them and give birth at the birth center. They want me to see a maternal fetal specialist (or going to a Lyme literate OB/GYN would have also been an issue) to get a determination of whether it will be safe for me to give birth there. They have someone that they have an informal relationship with who apparently respects the mother's wishes so he wouldn't just automatically say that I needed to be in a hospital (which is my fear) so the midwife will be calling him today to give him a little information about me and see if I would be able to see him before actually being pregnant. And then she'll call me sometime early next week, most likely. Then I'll see this specialist and one of three options is like: a) I'm told that I'm high-risk and need to give birth in a hospital; b) I'm told that I'm NOT high-risk and will be cleared to give birth at the birth center (or wherever I choose); or c) I'm told that I'm not high-risk but that I should really be followed by this specialist in addition to being able to work with the midwives and give birth at the birth center. Obviously, I'm hoping for option b but I would take c just as easily and if it comes down to a, I'll deal with that.

So, another step to take in this process. And my anxiety and nervousness continues and will most likely continue until I've seen this new doctor and gotten some answers from him. My fear is that I will be deemed high-risk and told that I have to give birth in a hospital. That isn't the end of the line as far as options go. I could go to a few other birth centers and see what they think. I could explore homebirth. There is a place in Tennessee (The Farm) where they might be more willing to take me on as a patient. But the bottom line is that if I am actually deemed high-risk, I see it as unlikely that anyone outside of a hospital would be willing to work with me. I'm trying really hard not to jump immediately to that scenario. I know that giving birth in a hospital wouldn't be the end of the world, but right now it is so far from what I want that it's hard to be okay with that. I have looked into the hospitals around here and there is one that has natural birth rooms with birth tubs and would be okay if I needed to go that route.

I am trying to remain as calm as possible and focus on the fact that whatever happens, it won't change us moving forward to have a baby. I may just have to alter my idea of what the birth will be like. Again, not the end of the world but just a bump in the road. I'm used to bumpy roads. I just wish, for once, something could be easy.

I'll update again when I know more about this specialist and what the next step(s) will be.

The journey continues...

Since my last post here, a lot has happened while not much has changed. What is mainly happening is surrounding my continued reading, researching, and talking with Eric about what to do to prepare for pregnancy (I like that term), how to handle pregnancy, nutrition (both before and during pregnancy), and all kinds of other things. Over the past month since Eric and I have started talking about the idea of starting a family soon, he has slowly warmed up more and more to the idea to the point where I think he is excited now. He's starting to do his own reading now (initially at my request and now on his own) and we're talking a lot about all aspects of pregnancy and how we're going to raise our child(ren).

I have also begun to get off of some of my medications and supplements that I either know I'm going to need to get off of or I suspect it will be a good idea for me to get off of. I'd like to have as much time as possible without these medications in my system before getting pregnant so by starting to wean down and/or stop taking them now, I'm hoping to give myself as much time as possible. The biggest issues I'm having now that I've stopped or weaned down on some of them are more/worse headaches (one of the medications I'm slowly weaning off of is a headache preventative and I'm trying hard not to take any of my usual “as needed” headache medications) and more trouble sleeping (I've stopped a few “as needed” sleeping meds/supplements and the headache med I've weaned down on also helps me sleep). I see my doctor on Monday and we'll be going over ALL of this stuff so it's likely to be quite an appointment. I know I can live with these symptoms because there's a reason for being off of these medications. But when I have nights like last night when a bad headache and nausea make me feel awful, I don't really have much I can take for them (I do have a nausea med that is fine for me to take but I was already at my maximum dose), and I'm dealing with all of this well before even trying to get pregnant it's a little rough to deal with.

On a positive note, Eric and I had an appointment last Thursday at a birthing center about a half an hour from where we live. We got a tour, met some of the midwives, and had a chance to ask them questions to see if it would be a good fit for us. They have worked with Lyme disease patients before which is great. But I was (and still am) a little concerned that once they realize what my situation is, how extensive my medical history is, and especially that I have a port-a-cath and am on IV medications they'll be scared away or realize that I'm not a good candidate for a birth center or home birth. The tour was great – we really liked the birth center and the midwives we met. The birthing rooms are really nice, both with birth tubs, and on the walls there are all the footprints of the babies that have been born in that particular room with their name and date of birth. That was really neat.

And the midwives were great. We especially liked their view on prenatal testing – they told us all the testing that could be done and said that they will give us all the information about each test with research from both sides, and then let us make the decision on each test for ourselves and support our decisions. Then, if something was a little strange and they thought that a particular test would be more helpful or necessary, they would present that to us and urge us to have the test(s) done. We both really like this since we don't want all kinds of tests done just because they are routine and if the midwives ever told us we should really have a particular test done, we would be more likely to believe that it's important and trust their advice.

After the tour, I called and made an appointment for a preconception appointment with one of the midwives for next Thursday, June 28^th. That will be a chance to talk through all of my medical history as well as talk about nutrition and everything else that we should be doing to get ready.

I also saw my doctor this afternoon to talk through all of this. We'll be switching up my antibiotics to pregnancy safe antibiotics that I will stay on throughout pregnancy and however long I'm breastfeeding. There are a number of options for pregnancy safe antibiotics that will help keep the Lyme from being transmitted (at least as much as possible) but the one that I'll be going on is Ceftin followed by Mepron (not technically an antibiotic but it's apparently one of the choices) when I actually get pregnant.

And then there's getting off of some of the other medications I'm on – medications for headaches, nausea, sleep issues, and various other things. I've already managed to get off of a few of the medications that don't seem safe and I would really like to get off as many other medications as possible. It will be strange and I expect to have some symptoms get worse, but I think it's worth it for me to go as medication-free as possible. There are some that I know are safe during pregnancy that I will be staying on, one of the biggest ones is zofran for nausea which I would have a lot of trouble living without, and we'll see how it goes getting off of as many of the other ones as possible, one by one. For now, we're not stopping any of the things I'm on but some of my “as needed” medications I won't be taking anymore and I'll be cutting down on one other medication.

My LLMD has also ordered some labwork, specifically to test my rubella antibodies to see if I'm protected against it and also to look at my cholesterol level and some of my vitamin levels. I asked about prenatal vitamins and she said that since I'm already on folic acid and a good amount of other vitamins (in my IV everyday) then I don't need to start one now. I was a little concerned about needing to be on iron which I've had trouble tolerating but since I'm not anemic now, she didn't feel that was necessary. This will also be a question for the midwife when I go for my preconception appointment.

This is all getting pretty exciting and feels more and more real the further we move forward with this. I'll be back with more information as I find out more things. I hope there are some who will find this helpful and informative, and I'm certainly enjoying writing about and documenting this process.

And so the journey continues...

Where do I start?

I'm writing this today partly for myself, but also in large part for those of you out there who are or will be in similar situations. But let me back up and explain a bit about where I'm coming from and what I want to begin to talk about.

I'm approaching the 15 year anniversary of when my health began to crumble. This July will mark 15 years since that fateful summer when I got the “flu” and subsequently began getting sicker and sicker. Over the past 15 years I have been through a lot. I have been through times when I couldn't leave the house, times when I could barely get out of bed. There were times when my GI system shut down and I couldn't eat. There were nights when I slept curled up on the bathroom floor because the treatment I was on caused horrible nausea and vomiting. But I don't really want to talk about all of that, all of the bad times. They are with me all the time, but (I hope) they are behind me for the most part. (If you want to read more about my health, you can visit my other blog here or my Caringbridge page here.)

I want to talk about the other stuff, the things that have mostly happened in the last few years. I met someone who wasn't freaked out by all the medical stuff, or maybe it's more accurate to say that he didn't let it get in the way of wanting to be with me. The port-a-cath in my chest was just a part of me and, while I'm sure it was a little bit of an adjustment, he doesn't seem to let it bother him. He has always said that he doesn't see my health challenges as defining who I am, they are just one aspect of my life and not something he sees as especially important. For a very long time I didn't think I would ever find someone like that, who would accept all of my baggage so willingly and want to be with me so much that he would be happy to deal with everything that goes along with me. We dated, he proposed, we got married, and we lived happily ever after. Well, maybe not quite yet, but we're working on that.

And that brings me to the point of this writing. We've been married for almost 3 months (yes, not that long) and we're now seriously talking about starting a family. We're not talking about starting right now, but in the near future. There are some things to take care of first (which I'll talk about in a minute because some pertain to my health) but I see it happening soon. I'm not going to give any kind of timetable here partly because I don't want that “out there” (it IS kind of a personal thing, after all) and Eric and I are not entirely sure about what that timetable is.

Let me back up a little bit, though. Back up...10 years to when I was about 20. At that time, I knew I wanted to have a family but I was basically resigned to the idea of adopting because I didn't want to take the chance of passing Lyme disease along to my children. And then, when I actually faced the reality of it (in the last few years and especially while watching my sister-in-law go through her pregnancy) I realized just how much I want to have my own children, to have the experience of pregnancy and birth. And then, when my niece was born a year ago and I watched my sister-in-law have the experience of breastfeeding, I realized how much I want to have THAT experience. As I have gone through each of these realizations, I have done research and talked a little bit with my doctor and talked more at length with my counselor (who is Lyme-literate and has Lyme herself) and of course talked with Eric. For each thing that I previously thought wouldn't be possible (or wasn't advisable), I have spent time thinking about how I feel about it and come to the conclusion that I feel very strongly that I want to have my own children and I want to be able to breastfeed. So I am committed to finding ways of making that work, and I have enough support from family and doctors that I know I can make it happen. It will just take more planning and preparation than most women (and couples) probably have to think about. And I will need to be on safe antibiotics for the duration of the pregnancy and breastfeeding period. But I know it's possible. Other women have done it and have had healthy, happy children.

And now this brings us closer to the present. Over the past...month or so I have been doing research on pregnancy and birth. It started out as research into which medications I'm going to need to get off of in order to safely start trying to conceive so that I would be prepared for my next doctor's appointment when I plan to talk about all of this. It turns out that there isn't as much clear-cut information out there as I would have hoped. Maybe my doctor will have some more definite answers since what I have come up with for the most part is that most medications fall into a grey area where there really isn't much known about possible affects to a developing fetus. It's clear that I need to get off of the medications I'm on to keep my headaches minimal (I'm NOT looking forward to doing that) and my general philosophy on this is that if I can manage without a medication, I want to live without it and remove any possibility of damage.

And then I moved on to researching supplement alternatives that would be safe as well as which supplements that I'm currently on are okay. If medications are a grey area, this is...what's greyer than grey? You get the idea. Everything that I'm reading is basically saying, “We don't know if there's any danger to taking this, there doesn't appear to be any danger, but it's best to just avoid it anyway just in case.” And, don't get me wrong, that's fine, but if we're going to go that route, we should avoid a lot of things, like breathing any air in the city (although that might actually be known to cause harm so that might not be quite the same). My philosophy with supplements and herbs is similar to medications but a little different. I'm not as concerned about taking supplements if I know they are good quality and I know they don't contain anything questionable (which they shouldn't if they're good quality). I will talk with my doctor about the supplements I'm already on and if there are any I can transition on to in place of the medications I'm going to be weaning off of. I trust my doctor.

And the next step I took (well, actually, everything was kind of happening at the same time) was trying to find a Lyme-literate or Lyme-friendly OB/GYN (wow, is THAT a difficult task). I asked around in the Lyme groups I belong to on Facebook and whoever else I thought might have some suggestions and people had no one to recommend that was a reasonable distance away. I had people asking if Virginia was too far (yes, it's way too far) and I just got discouraged, thinking that maybe having a baby wasn't a good idea after all. I did find some naturopaths in the area who treat tick-borne illness and also offer women's health, including fertility, so that renewed my spirits a bit and I tried to contact them. But then my focus shifted a bit. Why do I need to be limited to just an OB/GYN? My counselor had asked me a few weeks ago when we were talking about all of this what type of birth I wanted, if I wanted a hospital birth or a home birth. And, pretty much without hesitation (and without having given it a whole lot of thought) I answered, “I'd really like a home birth if I was allowed to have one.” And by “allowed” I mean if I wasn't deemed to be high risk. So, I shifted my focus and started searching for midwives. There aren't any around here who are Lyme-literate (although I did find one in New Mexico who is, contacted her, and she is keeping me in mind at an upcoming conference where she's presenting about tick-borne illness so that's a great connection) but I have now contacted three birth centers and two of them have responded saying that they have worked with Lyme disease patients before. I am so encouraged. THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME!

I have done so much research, reading, searching, etc. and I feel lately like that's all I'm doing but I'm really enjoying this focus. I am reading websites, blogs, watching documentaries, listening to podcasts, and reading books about pregnancy, birth, home birth, whatever I can get my hands on. I've called and made an appointment at one of the two birth centers that confirmed that they have worked with Lyme patients to schedule a tour (I'm waiting to make an appointment at the other one until I have a sense of this first one) and my gut tells me I'll choose one of them. I may very well still need to have an OB/GYN on board and I'm okay with that, but I feel so much better with the idea that they wouldn't be the only one, that I would have a midwife who would be working with me and that I would be taking charge of things.

I never liked the idea of a hospital birth. Maybe it partially comes from my mother, who would have had all 4 of her kids as home births if she could have but my older sister ended up needing to be delivered by c-section which, at that time, meant it was almost assured that all of her subsequent deliveries would be c-section. But my mom fought hard for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) when she was pregnant with me, even necessitating changing doctors when she was 7-months pregnant, and she was successful but it meant I had to be born at the hospital. Then my brother was born at her midwife's house. And finally, with my younger sister, exactly 11 years (to the day) after her c-section, my mother had her home birth. I grew up surrounded by alternative medicine, homeopathy, I was homeschooled until 6^th grade (and again for the end of high school). Some of it I don't agree with, some of it I do, and I'm still sorting through a lot of it but I think that's totally normal – we spend our adulthood trying to sort out our childhood and figure out how to do better (as we see it) for our children. (On an interesting note, my mother-in-law is totally the opposite to my mother in her views on birth. I know she would be totally against giving birth anywhere but in the hospital and certainly wouldn't support a VBAC. Needless to say, I won't be discussing this with her.)

But I think my rejection of the idea of a hospital birth also comes from my years of dealing with illness. My experiences of being in the hospital over the years have been anything but pleasant and I have had to fight hard for proper treatment or even for the doctors to show compassion. And knowing what happens during hospital births, the amount of times there are interventions used that may not be necessary, the number of times those interventions can actually lead to a worse outcome, the harshness of the environment with the lights and people constantly coming and going, and the idea of having to fight against people to NOT have interventions or be given medications makes me know very clearly that I want nothing more than to give birth at home or in a birth center. I want to fully have that experience and to only have people around me who are supporting what I am doing and letting me do what I need to do, what my body knows how to do, and providing help and guidance when needed. And I want to have a midwife (or midwives) who I totally trust so that if there are issues, either before or during labor, and they suggest going to the hospital, I know it's really necessary and I will feel that I can totally trust what they tell me.

So, you might be wondering why I'm doing all of this now when I'm not even pregnant, not even trying to get pregnant yet. If there's one thing I have learned over the years with chronic illness it's that things don't follow plans. But, if you have some kind of a plan in place, when the unexpected happens, you're so much more prepared to deal with it. So, I want to start building a relationship with a midwife (and possibly an OB/GYN or whoever else is on the “team”) now so that they really know me and my (somewhat complex) history and situation well before there is a baby to worry about, too. I want to be sure that whoever is taking care of me and a future baby is totally committed and comfortable with what my situation is and won't abandon me or flake out at the last minute because they don't think it's necessary to test the cord blood or they don't think I should be on antibiotics. I want to be sure that they will work in some capacity with my Lyme doctor and will be open and willing to learn from her and me about my situation and what it means for my pregnancy. I want to make sure NOW that I am giving my future children the best possible chance at a healthy, happy life and I want to make sure that I'm giving MYSELF the best chance at a healthy, happy pregnancy and birth experience.

And I want to write about this process because there is so little information out there from women (and couples) like me. There is so little information about Lyme disease and pregnancy. Believe me, I have searched. There is an amazing blog called The Lyme Pregnancy Journal which I found last summer and was so amazing to read through because it gave me hope that not only is a healthy pregnancy with Lyme disease is possible but there's a woman who has been through it and shares her whole experience! There are some other scattered pieces of information, but for the most part it doesn't exist. So I want to contribute my own experience. And I'm starting early. I mean, this is way before I'm even pregnant but it's the point where I'm gathering this information so it seems like the perfect time to start. I may not share everything, but I want to share my journey. So, welcome to the ride! I have no idea what it will be like, but you're welcome to join us for whatever is in store.