And the countdown begins! (6 1/2 weeks until due date)

I have gone far too long without writing anything here, despite the fact that I want to write and have ideas of things to write about. It's not that I'm super busy (although some weeks it seems like I'm always on the go), it's more that I'm pretty exhausted most of the time and a lot of the time all I can manage is to veg out on the couch and watch Netflix or Hulu, obsessively check Facebook, or read through some of the many websites and articles about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. But this morning I am committing to writing something and actually posting it!

So, first thing's first, an update on how things have been since my last post in...January (wow!). I was 24 weeks pregnant when I posted last, I am now approaching 34 weeks and I can't believe I'm approaching the end of my pregnancy so quickly! There's still so much to do to prepare for Poppy's arrival and to fully enjoy these last few weeks as a family of 2.

Things have been going relatively well overall. My OB appointments have been uneventful which is kind of strange after so many years of dealing with health problems. Aside from being on blood thinners, I'd say that my pregnancy has been totally normal and there have really been no issues which is fantastic! I am still doing my Lovenox (blood thinner) shots once a day and they are just part of my daily routine, although I do have to have alarms go off so I remember. In a few weeks I'll be switching from Lovenox, which is a once-a-day shot, to Heparin, which will be 2 or 3 times a day but is safer to be on when I go into labor because it is shorter acting and can be reversed if I were to need an emergency c-section. I'm not really looking forward to the switch because it means more shots everyday, but it will only be for a few weeks so I'll handle it fine.

We have been doing our childbirth class which is a Bradley Method class. It has been great and I think it's really the best one we could have chosen because it's really thorough and covers all kinds of things that other classes don't seem to touch on. Of course, it's a 12-week class so of course it's going to involve things that shorter classes won't. We worked on putting together our birth plans and I may post them once we've gone over them with the instructor and finalized things.

Now, on the Lyme/chronic illness front things have been pretty stable. I'm still not needing IV fluids very frequently at all. I actually went away for a weekend last month and didn't even bring any with me which is the first time I've done that...probably since I started on IV fluids back in 2005! It's so crazy go have this level of freedom without being hooked up to a pump for so much of the day and to not have my port accessed most of the time. I can actually shower every day without having to think about it which, again, hasn't happened since I started on fluids almost 8 years ago! I'm worried that I'll have a huge crash with all of this after the baby is born and my blood volume goes back to normal, but we'll be prepared for that as much as we can with fluids at home and then deal with the issues as they arise.

We (my doctor and I) are preparing for the testing which will be done at birth to see if there is evidence of Lyme or Babesiosis in the placenta or umbilical cord. She's getting a kit for me to take to the hospital and then the samples will be sent off to the lab in California (Igenex Labs, if anyone is interested). I'm not too worried that there will be evidence of the diseases in the tissue samples but there is of course still a level of fear that the antibiotics I've been on during the course of the pregnancy haven't been enough.

One of the things that the testing will determine, other than whether we need to really be worried about Poppy getting either of these infections from me, is whether or not I will be able to have my placenta encapsulated. If you don't know what placenta encapsulation is, here's a website that has some basic information about it – http://placentanetwork.com/placenta-encapsulation/. Basically, it involves cleaning, steaming, and dehydrating the placenta which is then ground up and put into capsules to be taken for the weeks or months after delivery. This greatly reduces postpartum depression, helps with healing, and balances out your hormones. We are the only mammals that do not consume our placentas and, although I know it may seem gross to some people, the reading I've done on it and the people I've talked to about it convince me that it can only be helpful. The only issue is that, with the infections I have, there's some question about whether it's safe or not. So, after talking with my doctor about it, we've decided that if the testing of the placenta comes back negative for both infections we're testing for, I can go ahead and have it done. So I have someone lined up to do it and I'll just have to keep my placenta in the freezer until the results come back.

At my doctor's appointment yesterday we also determined that we won't be doing cord blood testing since testing the fluid is less likely to be accurate than testing tissues (placenta and the cord itself). This is great since it means that we'll be able to do full delayed cord clamping and cutting which, again, is something that I've read a lot about and see it as being a huge benefit to the baby.

I will also be breastfeeding with the blessings of my doctor but it will require me to stay on antibiotics (ones that are safe for breastfeeding, of course) for as long as I'm breastfeeding. For a while my doctor wasn't supportive of breastfeeding but new information she heard at a conference a few months ago showed that it can be a safe option with Lyme disease as long as antibiotics are used. It's a big relief to have her support and not have to fight for it since it's something that I feel very strongly about wanting to do.

I am still on the same antibiotics I've been on since I was about 16 weeks – Ceftin and Zithromax. I'm tolerating them both well and we've been slowly increasing the dose of Zithromax to see where my threshold is since it has caused ringing in my ears (tinnitus) before. So far I'm up to the full dose (500mg) 3-4 days a week and a half dose (250mg) on the other days. I'll most likely continue on these two antibiotics while breastfeeding for at least the first month and then possibly switch off the Zithromax on to something else to avoid the issues with tinnitus.

Other than that, things have been relatively good. Aside from being tired all the time, which I just attribute to being 7 ½ months pregnant and having trouble sleeping now that it's hard to get comfortable, I'm not having many issues. And it's so hard to tell if something is from the Lyme or just from being pregnant (like trouble thinking/concentrating). Overall, though, I feel like being pregnant has made things much better. My doctor joked at my last appointment that maybe I should just have a lot of kids! Eric didn't think that was so funny, but it really does seem like my body likes being pregnant most of the time.

I'll be back soon (hopefully) with more about the preparation for labor and delivery, including my birth plans, and how preparations are going for Poppy joining our family!

Chronic Illness and Pregnancy – 24 Weeks In

Living with chronic illness(es) involves tackling a whole host of challenges. Being pregnant comes with its own set of challenges. When you put the two together...well, my experience (so far) has not been that the challenges are multiplied or compounded. More like they are shifted. And it has become more and more difficult to pinpoint if certain symptoms are illness-related, pregnancy-related, or neither.

From research I've been doing for many months, probably actually over a year, it seems that when it comes to Lyme disease (and some other chronic illnesses) and pregnancy, women often feel much better when they are pregnant for a few reasons. One of these is that your immune system is suppressed so that you don't reject the pregnancy since the baby is technically a foreign body. With a suppressed immune system, symptoms that are more autoimmune or due to an overactive immune system tend to get better. Although I can't say for sure that this has happened with me, I have found that a number of things have gotten better.

Even while being off of basically ALL of my headache medications, I have not seen a worsening in the frequency or severity of my headaches and migraines. Yes, I still get them and there is a bit more of a challenge figuring out how to deal with and treat them since virtually all pain killers and certainly all migraine medications are not safe during pregnancy. So tylenol and some caffeinated drink have become my go-to when I do get a more severe headache. And a nap (if I'm able to take one) seems to be a help, too.

My fatigue level, which has always been one of my biggest issues, has been a bit more of a challenge. First there was the first trimester fatigue that left me unable to do much of anything without an obscene amount of sleep. I was taking at least one nap a day and usually ready for bed before 8:00pm. Thankfully once I got out of the first trimester, that level of fatigue lifted to an extent but I still have somewhere near my “normal” level of fatigue that I dealt with pre-pregnancy. I had been taking a supplement to help with my energy which was helpful but stopped it very early in the pregnancy because a) the morning sickness made it difficult for me to take more than just the bare minimum of medications and supplements and b) there isn't much information about taking it in pregnancy so my doctor and I decided it would be better if I didn't continue it. Do I notice a difference without it? Maybe. But it's so hard to tell what the cause of so many things is when there is so much going on.

Now we get to my dysautonomia. If you are unfamiliar with what Dysautonomia is, this is a basic description of it from the website of the Dysautonomia Youth Network of America (DYNA):

Dysautonomia is an umbrella medical term utilized for a group of complex conditions that are caused by a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS regulates all of the unconscious functions of the body, including the cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal system, metabolic system, and endocrine system. A dysfunction of the ANS can cause debilitating symptoms and may pose significant challenges for effective medical treatment. Orthostatic intolerance (the inability to remain upright) is a hallmark of the various forms of dysautonomia.

The form of dysautonomia I've been diagnosed with is called Neurocardiogenic Syncope (NCS). I probably more specifically have hypotension rather than syncope because I don't pass out, but I would if I didn't know how to read the warning signs I have and get myself sitting or lying down in time. The symptoms I deal with on a regular basis are dizziness/lightheadedness, nausea, fatigue (yep, it shows up everywhere), shortness of breath, brain fogginess, and less often I experience diminished/loss of vision and hearing when I get close to passing out. The treatment that I have been on for more than 7 years after medications failed to help is daily IV fluid which I administer at home through my port-a-cath. Originally I was getting 1 liter a day but after a few years it was increased to 2 liters and amino acids were added to help me maintain a good nutritional status. This is where it gets interesting.

At first in my pregnancy, it seemed that I needed the fluids more than ever. I was continuing to infuse 2 liters every day and still struggling with symptoms. Maybe things were made worse from the morning sickness I was slammed with or just my body adjusting to being pregnant, but regardless of the reasons I was feeling pretty sick. But then as time went on, I started experimenting with skipping days of fluids. And amazingly I found that there wasn't a big difference with how I felt with or without the infusions. So I started reducing the number of days I was getting the IV fluids (my doctor has given me the green light to do this) and got to the point where I only seemed to need it a few times a week. The longest stretch I've gone between infusions (which just ended yesterday) was well over a week (I believe it was more like a week and a half). There are definitely days when I feel like I probably SHOULD do an infusion, but I just love the freedom so much that I push myself through that and have been managing pretty well. I know I can't keep this up forever and I will need to continue to do fluids here and there to maintain a good level of health, but it's great to have so much more flexibility with it.

The most likely reason that I have been doing better and not needing the regular IV infusions is due to the increased blood volume that happens during pregnancy. One of the possible causes of dysautonomia conditions (and one that we highly suspect I have) is low blood volume. This means that there isn't enough blood to circulate well and keep sufficient blood flowing to all areas of the body, including the brain. With the pregnancy-induced increase in blood volume, the hope was that my dysautonomia symptoms would get better and I might not need the fluids all the time. At first we didn't think that was going to happen because of my worsening symptoms, but it seems that it just took a little time. This could very well mean that once the baby is born and my blood volume decreases again, I could have a really difficult time adjusting so we'll just have to plan the best we can and make sure I have plenty of fluids to hopefully keep me stable.

Overall, at 24 weeks pregnant things are going really well. I know there will continue to be challenges, but in the end it will be worth it all. Every time I feel my son move around or kick me, I can't help but smile knowing all that I've overcome to get to this point.

Ultrasound and Gender Reveal!

This past Tuesday, I had my first ultrasound and got to finally see Poppy! It was really amazing to get to see this little person that I've been feeling move and kick for a while now. And Poppy totally cooperated so we were able to find out that we are having...A BOY! It's so amazing to know that we'll have a son and be able to refer to Poppy as a he.

We got to see everything – his heart, brain, stomach (which was full meaning that he can swallow which is fantastic!), arms, legs, little feet, etc. And we got some pictures to take home so I'll share a few of those:

Looking at the "camera"

Profile view

After the ultrasound, we had an appointment with one of the OBs and she said everything looked perfect which was a relief to hear. Since I hadn't had any ultrasounds yet we were both a little concerned that there would be something wrong that couldn't have been detected before. But the little guy is just the right size, everything is developed as it should be, and we're right on track for my April 30^th due date.

So, that's about it for now. I do have plans for a few other blog posts that may make it up in the next week or so depending on how much time I find myself with over the holidays. So check back for those soon!

Big Update (Finally!)

Hello again! It has been quite a few months since I last posted and a LOT has happened.

First of all, if you didn't already know, I'm now 20 weeks pregnant. I can't believe I'm this far along. It has definitely been a bit of a roller coaster so far but I'll get into that in a minute.

Let me backtrack a little bit and fill in the gap from my last post. I had the appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctor in July. We really liked him but unfortunately left the appointment without any answers or decisions. During the visit we went through my medications and talked about some that would be a good idea for me to get off of (which I did) and which ones there are really not a lot of information about in regards to pregnancy but are probably okay. We talked through my history and he wasn't concerned with my health issues complicating a pregnancy and delivery. And then, while talking about my port-a-cath, the subject of blood clots came up and I told him that I actually dealt with blood clots last October. That pretty much threw a wrench into what seemed was going to be an easy decision. Because I developed the blood clots while on combination birth control (which is similar to the state your body is in hormonally during pregnancy) and having a port was thought to be a factor, the fact that I still have a port was a concern. But before making a recommendation, he wanted to get the records from my hospital stay to have a better idea of testing that was done and have an idea of the whole picture.

The records were sent to him and it took a few months (and many phone calls) before I was able to get back in touch with him to find out that the hospital records didn't really help much because I was apparently not tested for clotting factors. So, that blood work was ordered and it again took quite a while to hear back about it. By this time I knew I was pregnant and was anxious to get this figured out so I could start my prenatal care! The clotting factors all came back normal except for one that could be explained by the fact that I was pregnant (the doctor didn't know I was pregnant then and if he had, he wouldn't have ordered that particular test). It was a relief that nothing was actually abnormal and we thought we might be in the clear to choose to have an out of hospital birth. But, in the end, the recommendation the doctor made was that I should be on blood thinners (Lovenox shots) during pregnancy and be in a hospital. This was quite a bit of a disappointment and of course I was upset for a while.

But, at this point I was 10 weeks pregnant and just eager to make a decision. I dove into doing research about hospitals and midwifery/OB practices. I had already done some research knowing it was a possibility that I would need to go that route so I had some idea of where I was interested in visiting. Over the next week I visited two midwifery practices and one OB practice and toured two of the hospitals. The first midwifery practice was not a good fit for me (much more on the medical side than I want) but I really liked the second practice and would have been fine going with them. The hospital associated with them, though, wasn't quite what I was looking for. I had thought I would prefer to use midwives but when I visited the OB practice and toured their hospital, I was sold. The hospital is really what I want – it's kind of a cross between a birth center and a hospital. They do waterbirths, they're very down to earth, very supportive of making sure mother and baby are kept together and bond, support breastfeeding, and just were a really good compromise.

I had my first prenatal appointment on October 23^rd and it was great! But let me again back up and now fill in the details of my early pregnancy.

We were on vacation with my parents in August when I was due to get my period so a few days before it was due, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I had been in a grumpy mood for a few days and wasn't sure why but didn't think that was a sign that I was pregnant. On the morning of Tuesday, August 21^st I went ahead and tested using a cheap strip test. When I looked at it after a few minutes, I was shocked to see a clear but faint second line. So I immediately pulled out another cheap strip test (a different brand) and a target brand regular test. After a few minute it was undeniably clear that they were positive so I quickly cleaned things up, went out to the kitchen where Eric and my parents were, and motioned for Eric to come into the bathroom to see. He was shocked and unfortunately it took him until that afternoon to start getting excited so it wasn't exactly the response I was hoping for but I was super excited. I went out into the kitchen and showed my parents the target test and they were both so happy for us, it was a nice way to get to share it with them. Throughout that day Eric called his siblings but I asked him to wait until the next day to call his parents and grandparents so I would have a chance to take a digital test for confirmation. Sure enough, the next morning the digital test was clearly positive, too! Here's a picture of that test:

So, with that confirmation, Eric finished calling his family and I called my siblings to tell them (I wanted my older sister to be the first of my three siblings that I told but she lives across the country so it's hard to coordinate phone calls with the time difference and I ended up waiting until Saturday). Everyone was super excited for us and it was a really great time. I started doing all kinds of reading, calculated my due date (April 30, 2013), and found out that the baby at that time was the size of a poppy seed. So, we started calling the baby Poppy and decided that would be his/her nickname for the duration of the pregnancy.

I'll try to speed a little faster through the next few months. I felt good, although really tired, for the next few weeks until I was about 6 weeks along and that's when the morning sickness hit. And it hit pretty hard. I was nauseous and queasy all the time, my nausea meds that I've taken for years didn't help (probably because I've taken them for so long and my body is a little desensitized to it), and I was just pretty miserable. I started throwing up some days and started researching natural ways to combat it. I ended up deciding to start on B6 and unisom which helped SO MUCH. It was like a switch was flipped and I was finally able to be comfortable most of the time and eat a little better. That lasted for a few weeks and it was great, but then the morning sickness and vomiting started creeping back. On the day of my first prenatal appointment (at 13 weeks), we had to pull over along the highway so I could throw up. Not really the best start to that day, but it got a lot better as soon as I got to hear little Poppy's heartbeat! It was a strong 170 beats per minute and was the best thing I had ever heard. A wave of relief came over me as I felt myself relaxing, not quite realizing just how nervous and worried I was that something was wrong and there wouldn't be a heartbeat.

After that appointment and hearing Poppy's heartbeat, we finally made our announcement on Facebook and it felt like such a relief to know that everything was fine.

I was hopeful that as I got into the second trimester, the morning sickness would let up but it continued to be quite an issue until I was 16 weeks and it finally felt like it was getting better. I still have trouble with it from time to time and still occasionally throw up, but it's pretty minor and manageable. I'm still taking the B6 and I will likely continue it for the duration of the pregnancy just to be safe.

At my first prenatal appointment, the doctor and I also made the decision to go ahead and start on the blood thinner, Lovenox. I'm only on 40mg once a day which is a quarter of the dose I was on after my blood clot. Of course I would rather not have to give myself a shot everyday, but it is really a minor inconvenience for the piece of mind to know that we are (hopefully) avoiding complications. Being on blood thinners shouldn't affect my options as far as giving birth goes – waterbirth is still an option, I don't need anything special, so that's a relief. At about 36 weeks, I'll switch from Lovenox to heparin shots twice a day because the heparin is shorter acting and can be reversed if necessary when I go into labor.

At 16 weeks 5 days I felt the first little flutters but I wasn't completely sure it was movement then. Later that week, it became clearer and now I feel kicks and moving around everyday. I LOVE that and it is just such a reassuring thing to know that Poppy is doing well and saying hello. I've even been able to see kicks from the outside. Here's a really short video of a kick I was able to capture on my cell phone - watch the lower right side of my belly for a kick towards the end.

We have an ultrasound a week from today when I'll be 21 weeks and I'm really looking forward to seeing Poppy for the first time (I declined all early ultrasounds and want this one to be the only one unless there is an issue that comes up) and (hopefully) finding out if it's a boy or girl.

I've been feeling pretty well as far as my illnesses go. There have been some ups and downs and issues with dysautonomia symptoms getting worse sometimes, but for the most part I'm able to handle them and have even been able to cut back to only doing IV fluids a few times a week which is amazing! I've been taking it easy a lot which helps. And I've started nesting, acquiring the baby things we'll need (especially cloth diapers which I just LOVE), knitting some things for him/her, and trying to read lots of things about pregnancy, giving birth, and newborn care. It feels like a lot sometimes, but I'm so excited to get myself and the apartment ready for Poppy to join our family in April or May.

So, there you go. You're up to date on what's going on.

For the sake of those of you interested in this blog and my story specifically as it relates to my Lyme disease, I am on certain medications specifically to reduce the rate of transmission and I will be on them throughout pregnancy and as long as I breastfeed (which I do plan to do with the help of an antibiotic combination to hopefully keep Poppy safe from transmission). The two antibiotics I'm currently taking are Ceftin and Zithromax. I was originally trying to take Mepron instead of Zithromax because I have a history of Babesiosis (another tick-borne illness) but it proved to be too rough on my stomach right now so we switched to the Zithromax and that has been much easier to tolerate. I am also on a few other medications to help with symptoms of my illnesses/conditions but I would estimate I'm on about a third of the medications I was on before we decided to start trying. My doctor and I are both amazed at how well I'm doing given how many medications I had to get off of, but we're both thrilled that I'm not having more issues! To give you an idea of how amazing that is, I had previously been on two migraine/headache preventative medications, both of which I had to come off of along with not being able to take any of the regular medications I would take when I actually get a headache. I also had to come off of the medications and supplements I had been taking to help me sleep and now I'm able to manage with only either Phenergan (which knocks me out in addition to helping my nausea) or Unisom. And there were various other medications for this or that which I have been able to stop without really having any major issues. So, other than the morning sickness and fatigue (which I have anyway, it's just more pronounced now), pregnancy seems to really agree with me!

I hope to do more frequent updates now that I have gotten up to date. I'll likely post some belly shots as I start to show more (right now there's just barely a bump that is noticeable to anyone but me and still looks like I just ate a little too much) and check back in weekly with what's been going on, how things are going with both me and Poppy, and I'm sure I'll be sharing some ultrasound pictures next week!

So check back for updates. And welcome to the journey!

Two and a half hours...

In two and a half short hours, I will be sitting in the office of the Maternal Fetal Specialist. To say I'm nervous and anxious would be an understatement. I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and not worry too much about it but I feel like this doctor holds a lot of power right now. He has the power to essentially prevent me from being able to use the birth center I want to use. Now, I realize this is far from the end of the world, but I want so much for things to be easy for once.

So much of my life over the past 15 years has been focused on medical...stuff. Going to doctors, taking pills, hooking up IVs, dealing with side effects of medications, spending time in the hospital because of complications, having new central lines placed or old ones removed, and much more time than I would like spent in bed or on the couch either in pain or so fatigued that just getting up to go to the bathroom is a huge task. After so many years of all of this (half my life at this point), I have managed to get to a point where so much of that is reduced.

Yes, I still go to doctors but as of right now I only have one doctor that I see (she serves as both my primary care physician and my Lyme disease doctor or “LLMD” - Lyme Literate Medical Doctor). I still take pills, more than I would like, once I week I spend 20-30 minutes filling up my weekly pill containers, multiple times a month I have to pick up refills, and I always have to remember to carry around my large container of my daily pills, but this is not so bad and I'm used to it. I still do IV medications but they are greatly reduced and I have somehow managed to get to a point of being able to only infuse them every other day which is AMAZING. I'm not on any medications right now that cause noticible side effects and those nights spent curled up on the bathroom floor because it was too much to go back to bed knowing I would likely be throwing up again soon are a (somewhat) distant memory. In less than two months it will have been a year since my last hospitalization but because of my port-a-cath (central line IV access) there is always a risk of infection or other complications. As of right now my port-a-cath is working well. And my time spent resting in bed or on the couch is greatly reduced, most of the time it's just because I need a break and not because of the crushing fatigue or pain that I used to have regularly.

But the point is that I have come so far and managed to claw my way back to something that resembles a normal life. This is something that for so many years seemed just like a distant dream that may not ever come true. But here I am, proof that it CAN and DOES happen. It can take time and perseverance and a lot of years of treatment, but it can happen.

And now I'm married – something that didn't seem likely to happen because who would want this kind of baggage? And I'm looking parenthood straight in the eye and more excited than I can even explain.

So, back to the point of this post – I'm nervous about the appointment this afternoon. Now that I am getting my life back, I want the choices that so many people take for granted. I wish so much that it could be easy and I could just decide I want to use the birth center and that would be that. But I should know that things aren't easy with chronic illness, especially when it involves a central line and so many years of doctors and medications. There are so many unknowns and we don't really have a good idea of how my body will be able to handle pregnancy. But regardless of any of this and regardless of what the doctor says today, I know I will have a baby one way or another. It may not be the way I imagine it, and I am trying to be okay with that, because I want this to happen however it needs to happen.

I'm sure I'll be writing more after the appointment, which is now only two hours away. Time to get things together and prepare myself as much as I can. I just hate going to new doctors and the unknown of how they will react to all of this. Ah well, life is full of unknowns...

Maternal Fetal Medicine Appointment Scheduled

I finally got a call back this afternoon from the Maternal Fetal Specialist's office and I have an appointment scheduled for two weeks from today on July 27th. I just want to get this over with and know for sure what the next step of this journey is going to be.

That's it for now!

Preconception appointment...sort of

Yesterday evening we had an appointment for a preconception visit with one of the midwives at the birth center that we visited a few weeks ago. I was a bit anxious and nervous about this appointment because I was still concerned that my health conditions would make them nervous and say that they couldn't accept me as a patient. So, I formulated my list of questions, had my list of medications and supplements printed out, and was trying to be as prepared as possible. Unfortunately, the appointment didn't go as well as I would have hoped, but it also wasn't as bad as I had feared.

We got to meet with the midwife and a student midwife. Right off the bat I told them a little about my health situation and handed over my list of medications. The medications themselves don't seem to be a problem, but because handling patients with chronic Lyme disease is fairly new for them, they couldn't guarantee that I would be able to work with them and give birth at the birth center. They want me to see a maternal fetal specialist (or going to a Lyme literate OB/GYN would have also been an issue) to get a determination of whether it will be safe for me to give birth there. They have someone that they have an informal relationship with who apparently respects the mother's wishes so he wouldn't just automatically say that I needed to be in a hospital (which is my fear) so the midwife will be calling him today to give him a little information about me and see if I would be able to see him before actually being pregnant. And then she'll call me sometime early next week, most likely. Then I'll see this specialist and one of three options is like: a) I'm told that I'm high-risk and need to give birth in a hospital; b) I'm told that I'm NOT high-risk and will be cleared to give birth at the birth center (or wherever I choose); or c) I'm told that I'm not high-risk but that I should really be followed by this specialist in addition to being able to work with the midwives and give birth at the birth center. Obviously, I'm hoping for option b but I would take c just as easily and if it comes down to a, I'll deal with that.

So, another step to take in this process. And my anxiety and nervousness continues and will most likely continue until I've seen this new doctor and gotten some answers from him. My fear is that I will be deemed high-risk and told that I have to give birth in a hospital. That isn't the end of the line as far as options go. I could go to a few other birth centers and see what they think. I could explore homebirth. There is a place in Tennessee (The Farm) where they might be more willing to take me on as a patient. But the bottom line is that if I am actually deemed high-risk, I see it as unlikely that anyone outside of a hospital would be willing to work with me. I'm trying really hard not to jump immediately to that scenario. I know that giving birth in a hospital wouldn't be the end of the world, but right now it is so far from what I want that it's hard to be okay with that. I have looked into the hospitals around here and there is one that has natural birth rooms with birth tubs and would be okay if I needed to go that route.

I am trying to remain as calm as possible and focus on the fact that whatever happens, it won't change us moving forward to have a baby. I may just have to alter my idea of what the birth will be like. Again, not the end of the world but just a bump in the road. I'm used to bumpy roads. I just wish, for once, something could be easy.

I'll update again when I know more about this specialist and what the next step(s) will be.